So here we are again. I never know whether to be pumped or feel like those old school toy monkeys that wind up and play the cymbals. Why, I know you didn’t actually ask, are you feeling this way? Consider this for a moment: Imagine you’ve spent your entire life walking in a straight line. This path you’ve always traveled is neither hard nor easy, painful or pleasurable, it is merely a path. Now consider the possibility that for some strange reason you decide to look away from the road you’ve always traveled into the darkness of the unknown. You take your chance with your curiosity and stray into the shadows with nothing more than a vague idea that nothing will ever be the same. If that doesn’t explain my situation, you need to watch some anime or read some Lovecraft!
As of late, Miss Marvel and I have been naming achievements for interesting events in our daily lives. It’s really more fun than it honestly should be. Ooo! Random shit that has been stuck in my head for days now. GO! Fellatio. Having to explain what fellatio is. Discovering bacon on pizza (thanks Itty Bitty). Random dancing for awesome people. Wondering why people seek my advice. Wondering why I ask certain people for advice when I know they are stupid. Knowing you love me, you just refuse to accept it. Cause I’m awesome. Seriously. I’m like bacon, covered in chocolate, wrapped up in a nerdy package. You know you want me. Anyway, this article is all about the achievements I feel we should be able to obtain for awesome and sometimes awkward events in our life. If you’ve read any of my other articles then you know this will be a strange an oddly amusing piece of literary lunacy. If you haven’t read anything I’ve written before let me just warn you that I’m an eccentric, love Godzilla and Gundams, I’m too too easy going for my own good, and my writing style is erratic and more than a little unpolished. Does that sound less than entertaining to you? Well. I’m sorry. Maybe you should get back to your weight lifting and fantasy football and let the rest of us enjoy being different. Republican scum!
Party Complete!: This achievement requires that you meet and form friendships with people who understand you, don’t judge you, and accept that you’re slightly fucked up. This is one of the hardest unlockables in the game of life. Not only must you constantly try new people in your line-up, you also have to deal with the ones that suck. Just keep in mind that when your party is complete you will have Ultima-like power; not to mention the time of your life.
Amnesiac: Drink enough alcohol to be the life of the party, make everyone laugh, get every female/male at the party interested in you, and then wake up with a crushing hangover and no fucking idea what the hell happened the night before. Get a bonus for actually scoring or cooking a three-course meal whilst trashed. I truly believe that this is my body’s way of protecting me from the lunacy that is my inebriated self. Sadly, some of the best times I’ve ever had I don’t remember.
A Pirates Favorite Letter: Use the word “Arrrg” in a sentence 500 times and earn the rank of Pirate Captain 1st Class. There is only one person that I know of to achieve this impressive and somewhat annoying achievement. In case you were wondering, there is no ninja equivalent. We ninjas don’t use catch phrases. Hell, we don’t even make noise.
The Alchemist: Take apart an object (i.e Personal computer, pen, bra) and then have no idea how to put it back together. I can take PC’s apart and put them back together with no idea as to what each part does. The worst example of this is Ikea. Have you ever tried putting anything together from that place? Its impossible to put together and even harder to take apart. But the very notion of attempting to rebuild one of these Swedish monstrosities is unthinkable. I would just as soon buy another piece of furniture…
Butterfingers: Get into a relationship and then leave said relationship in less than a week. Bonus points if they try to inflict bodily harm upon you or your car.
Gold Membership: Ignore your significant other for a new video game for more than a week. This constitutes ignoring their calls, texts, advances, and general existence until you have totally owned said video game. I can tell you, when Halo: Reach came out you didn’t see me. Its not because I don’t like you, its because it’s more important than you.
SGL: Figure out what kind of panties a girl wears by asking questions without her realizing it. Double your points if you actually acquire said garment. I am an evil genius. That or maybe just a pervert. Who knows?
Marathon: Attempt to set a masturbation record out of sheer boredom. Bonus points if you seriously just thought of your own personal best.
Tube Time: Spend more than ten furious minutes attempting to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube instead of taking your grown ass to the store and simply buying more. Oh, don’t look at me like that. You know you’ve done it and more than once. I’ve become so desperate before that I cut the tube open with a pair of scissors. Pathetic? Yes. Necessary? Hell yes.
To Catch a Predator: Find yourself fawning over a person not yet eighteen and wishing they were of age. Bonus for those who have marked their calendars for their birthday. Creeper! No comment…
Tenchi Masaki: Manage to be put into the friend zone with more than 5 people, with a rating of 7 or higher. This is too easy an achievement and also the worst ever. Never fall in love. Buy a Goldfish instead. Its less painful and they won’t leave you. Well, it may die but then you can eat it.
Uncle Pennybags Ain’t Got Shit on Me!: Waste your weekly stipend on something you really don’t need. Bonus if you use the money to buy Legos, iTunes music, Xbox LIVE points, or porn). Impulse buying is a lot like a one night stand: Its way too easy and instantly regretted.
Houdini…in Mah Pants: Manage to spend a full twenty-four hours with your underwear backwards and only discover the fact after staring at them for five minutes attempting to figure out what exactly is wrong. Bonus if you discover that you prefer to wear them that way or you realize you have an underwear fetish. I do this more often than a grown man should. As a man, I know my underwear are made in such a way that they kinda fit the same backwards. Now, how a woman does this is beyond me. Granted, I don’t have my PhD in panty science but this seems hard to manage. You know who you are.
The Last Airbender: Venture to the theaters and watch a movie so bad that you really don’t give a damn how much money your ticket was, you leave before the movie is over. I’m looking at you Transporter 2 and 3. You and every Uwe Boll movie. Damn you for making me spend my hard earned money on garbage.
For Just Two Payments of $19.99: Buy something you saw on a TV infomercial…in a store. If you bought a Snuggie then throw yourself off of something high. They even have a Snuggie for dogs. The end is nigh…
The Otaku Elite: Own so much anime paraphernalia that you have to buy space savers, bookshelves, or devote an entire room to your collection. Between Cecil, Alora, and myself I know we have a collection that could fill the Museum of Natural History. I have almost a hundred pounds of manga and graphic novels myself. If Cecil were to sell his anime DVD’s he could have bought a house years ago.
Three for the Price of One: Have a threesome. Yeah. This is about as great an achievement as you’re gonna get.
Well, I will post more achievements as I think of them and get suggestions. I hope you enjoyed this latest entry into my strange and sexy world. Ninja out!